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c18h25no_dxm
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "c18h25no_dxm" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:36 pm
[Link] | i can see now that i must keep looking, this job for too long will indeed take my sanity
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12:42 am
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missing children make me sad
i want to run away i know what they feel like, they think no one wants them like me and i feel bad cuz i'd like to be their friend or something, it would validate both our existances
this one art school student committed suicide the other day. she folded her clothes up and left a note and jumped into lake michigan to drown. i feel like them but in a way i think they r leaving me because they get to get out and i dont.
i just want to meet these people. i am the only person i know that wants to die. desperatly. i dont know i am stupid
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02:03 am
[Link] |
www.jibjab.com
i hope to get shot soon
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02:02 am
[Link] |  | You scored as Wicked. You are born with emerald-green skin, smart, fiery and misunderstood. OR beautiful, ambitious and very popular. Looks aren't everything, ya know - learn to show the real you!
Wicked | | 79% | Grease | | 75% | Avenue Q | | 58% | Cats | | 58% | Les Miserables | | 58% | Hairspray | | 33% | </td>
What MUSICAL are you???
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01:57 am
[Link] |  | You scored as Indie. Indie.
Indie | | 88% | Punk and Pop Punk. | | 79% | Indie Rock | | 71% | Emo & More | | 67% | Hip Hop and Rap | | 67% | Hardcore | | 63% | Classic Rock. | | 63% | Britpop | | 58% | Industrial | | 54% | Ska | | 50% | Mainstream | | 17% | Country | | 13% | </td>
Music Recommendation
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01:46 am
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01:26 am
[Link] |
You are |
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12:22 am
[Link] | when your too depressed to do anything but your too much of a bitch to kill yourself drink and drive without a seatbelt on around the quary. thats all for now.
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12:06 am
[Link] |
nothin nothin searching, nothing
searing like lost headlights on a country road at night, franticly searching for something to hold on to, something to keep me alive, afloat for one more try, wanting to let go of this liferaft i have been floating on in the middle of the dark ocean for what seems like forever now. i dont want to see and illusions any longer, no more motivation to keep lying to myself, telling myself that i will survive anymore. just waiting for the waves to do their job naturally, a white whale to come swallow me up. this beacon is the last, if it turns out to just be another drowning ship i am done.
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11:10 pm
[Link] |
in the chicago area, for hire
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04:59 pm
[Link] |
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10:32 pm
[Link] | i was thinking about coming back tonight, but then i asked myself what do i have to go back to? a few casual aquaintances.... the reminder that i have an apartment to make rent on... in which i still owe 80 dollars which i have no idea on how to come up with? i have no reason to go back. nothing is left for me there, some people who claim they would miss me but yet they dont care enough to become truly deeply involved with me and my existance, atleast here the people understand and appriciate my presence. they dont judge me or throw me out because i am unstable or overly excentric. racine is my dark abyss, my black death. and worse every moment i stay there and let my mental dissabilities take over me is a month or year longer it will take to over come them and every moment i stay is also another moment my soul is sucked and eaten up into nothing. i am truly becomming the shell i have so long compared myself to, my life is draining out, nothing is interresting, nothing is intelectual, nothing is passionate or true, nothing is new. atleast i can not feel like crying every waking moment in this town. knowing there is distance, knowing there is distance between not only the town but the people that have played and hurt me. a feeling for a new beginning hugs my body every time i look down those tracks, tracks that may adventually lead to my freedom. or my demise
either way its not racine
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11:12 pm
[Link] | i feel like falling in love again, or atleast feeling some sort of physical/mental attraction. something to feel alive. somewhat needed or nessesary, not nessesary to a friend nessesary intimately for someone to romantically thrive int his world
screaming for sanity or conciousness, to wake up from this fucking coma. too finally see reality again, to not have to many hallucinations ruling and controlling me. confusing and complication the once clear path. now clouded over until i have fallen deep deep into an abyss, a dark dank swamp. nothing here nothing there. only a desire for something more complicated something more intelligent. my strive for something real. tangibility has begun to rule my life. nothing is. in this coma slowly i am turning into a ghost and cannot hang onto the simplest of things. a true friend a real grasp of what is real and what i make up. i talk to nothing. i am deep maybe in a living breathing coma where i am just simply not there
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12:47 pm
[Link] | What is your name?: evan
Are you named after anyone?: my mother, its a russian translation of john
What's your screename?: c18h25no_dxm
Would you name a child of yours after you?: fuck that
Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do with your name constantly?: people call me even, fucking even, people are god damned stupid
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: no people love calling me by it and i dont mind
Basics:
Your gender: male
Straight/Gay/Bi: bisexual
Single?: yes
If not, do you want to be?: i am the living third wheel
Your age: 19
Age you act: my counsoler says alot older and until i make older friends i will act out and be upset
Age you wish you were: about 50 so i could have cancer from smoking by now, slow suicide.... it works!
Your height: 5'11"
Eye color: brown
Happy with it?: i guess
Hair color: dark brown
Happy with it?: i guess
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: righty
Your living arrangement: apartment with tom
Your family: mom, dad, sister
Have any pets?: lizard, they stole my cat
What’s your job?: carpenters assistant
Piercings?: ears and lip twice
Tattoos?: none
Addictions?: smoking, speed and the idea of love
Do you speak another language?: a little french
Have a favorite quote?: "wether i was writing or playing there was blood on the pages and blood on the strings because anything less than that is bullshit and a waste of fucking time" - Leee childers
Do you have a webpage?: just this one
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it:
Do you live in the moment?: i guess
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes but only to a certain point
Do you have any secrets?: tons
Do you hate yourself?: always and forever
Do you have any bad habits?: tons
What is the compliment you get from most people?: either that i am crazy or i have nice teeth/eyelashes
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: nothing left
What's your biggest fear?: dying of old age
Can you sing?: only to myself or along with the music
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: no
Are you a loner?: always wether voulentary or not
What are your #1 priorities in life?: i have no priorities
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: probably not
Are you a daredevil?: i would like to think in attempt to feel alive i do "daredevil" shit
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: me
Are you passive or aggressive?: i dont know
Do you have a journal?: several
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: my intelligence or my loyalty is one of the top ones, my weakness is love
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: be easier if you asked what i wouldnt change
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: for others
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: yes, alot, too much
Do you think life has been good so far?: bad would be my initial responce but thete were somethings mixed in with that bad that might have been worth it to go through until now
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: always expect to get fucked over, it will make u cry less
What do you like the most about your body?: eyes or teeth
And least?: everything else
Do you think you are good looking?: not unless theres a buss full of blind girls driving by...lol
Are you confident?: yes, wether you are ugly or pretty wether you know everything or nothing, it dosent matter as long as you use confidence
What is the fictional character you are most like?: eyore, or batty-bat
Are you perceived wrongly?: always
Do You:
Smoke?: always
Do drugs?: i wish more often
Read the newspaper?: nope too poor to get it
Pray?: ha
Go to church?: fuck that
Talk to strangers who IM you?: yes
Sleep with stuffed animals?: no, and their called stuffys, bitch
Take walks in the rain?: yes, unless its freezing
Talk to people even though you hate them?: yes, its the best way to make them think you would never take revenge upon them
Drive?: yes
Like to drive fast?: everyone knows the anwser to this one
Would or Have You Ever:
Liked your voice?: no
Hurt yourself?: too many times
Been out of the country?: yes, the bahamas
Eaten something that made other people sick?: house hold items
Been in love?: yes
Done drugs?: yes
Gone skinny dipping?: yes
Had a medical emergency?: heart attack...yay
Had surgery?: not serious, just a camera up my ass
Ran away from home?: yes, once i got to the corner, the next i played in the cemetary all day
Played strip poker?: no
Gotten beaten up?: yup
Beaten someone up?: not often enough
Been picked on?: yes
Been on stage?: no
Slept outdoors?: yes
Thought about suicide?: yes
Pulled an all nighter?: yes
If yes, what is your record?: 4 or 5 with speed
Gone one day without food?: yeah, went a couple days once
Talked on the phone all night?: yes... too many to count
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yes, not often enough
Slept all day?: yes
Killed someone?: yes, i mean no, no, yes, no, maybe, october 19th means nothing to me
Made out with a stranger?: yes
Had sex with a stranger?: maybe
Thought you're going crazy?: right now.....
Kissed the same sex?: not enough
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: everything but sex for the most part
Been betrayed?: too many times
Had a dream that came true?: none have ever come through, a couple have come close
Broken the law?: every day
Met a famous person?: just that stupid bitch from the real world, julie the morman from new orleans stupid fucking cunt
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: yes, too many
On purpose?: yes, too many
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yes, when it didnt mean anything serious
Stolen anything?: yes, everything i wear or read for the most part
Been on radio/tv?: radio
Been in a mosh-pit?: yes
Had a nervous breakdown?: yes
Bungee jumped?: no
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes
Beliefs:
Belive in life on other planets?: yes
Miracles?: no
Astrology?: no
Magic?: no
God?: dont know
Satan?: no
Santa?: no
Ghosts?: yes
Luck?: no, just karma
Love at first sight?: yes
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: sometimes
Witches?: no
Easter bunny?: no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: no
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: no, fucking leperchaun with the brown shoes
Do you wish on stars?: on falling ones
Deep Theological Questions:
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: no
Do you think God has a gender?: no
Do you believe in organized religion?: i want to kill organised religion
Where do you think we go when we die?: the ground or scattered somewhere
Friends:
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yes
Who is your best friend?: laura
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: god, if it exists.
Your favourite inside joke?: inside jokes are stupid
Thing you're picked on most about?: my size or that blowjob insadent
Love and All That:
Do you consider love a mistake?: sometimes
What do you find romantic?: everything that happened my junior to senior summer
Turn-on?: intelligence
Have you ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out: yes
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: no, but people tell me i am wrong and some people say i am wrong but they think i should be right
Are you in love?: always
Who Was the Last Person:
That haunted you?: kennedy
You wanted to kill?: self incrimidation is not an option
That you laughed at?: emily
That laughed at you?: tom, tony or emily
That turned you on?: probably mary, how pathetic is that. oh well, no one trys anyways....
You went shopping with?: tom most likely
That broke your heart?: amber
To disappoint you?: tony
To ask you out?: no one, ever
To make you cry?: jason aparently. god i am dumb
To brighten up your day?: emily or megan
That you thought about?: ashley, this was in her profile
You saw a movie with?: emily, babie geniouses two, lol
You talked to on the phone?: micheal
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: laura
You saw?: tom or tony
You lost?: i guess i lost mary, she would have to be the last one
Right This Moment:
Are you going out?: nope
Will it be with your significant other?: i just said no the the last question, asshole
Or some random person?: for fucks sake i said no
What are you wearing right now?: jeans boots and a shirt
Body part you're touching right now: my penis, what do you think you pervert, the fucking key board i am typing
What are you worried about right now?: living till tomorrow
What book are you reading?: many things, Wierd like us. and Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idot most currently
What's on your mousepad?: an edward gorey picture
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: lonely, ugly, emotional, intelligent, broke
Are you bored?: yes
Are you tired?: yes
Are you talking to anyone online?: no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: no
Are you lonely or content?: lonley
Are you listening to music?: yes
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05:44 pm
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i put this in here because i am a sheep..... BAH!
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Did you ever have a crush on me? when?
6. Would you kiss me?
7. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
8. Describe me in one word.
9. What was your first impression?
10. Do you still think that way about me now?
11. What reminds you of me, if anything?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be ?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? if so what was it?
16. Are you going to put this on your lj and see what I say about you?
16. If you were locked in a room with me what three things would you bring?
post responces in comment area for all those who check this anymore, most likely two people...
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05:30 pm
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CONTINUED GENOCIDE OF ESKIMOS WEEKEND '04!!!
ok i am sure everyone who reads this is aware of my passionate dislike for the eskimo race. well i have happened upon a small community of eskimos and have organised a festival of sorts. while this year we made a few changes ibelieve it will be the best year yet. we seperated the men from the women and children as usual but we sepera new group this year.... the old! yes thats right all your requests last year for the old to be included with the women and children and not just killed right away have been heard and we have a whole new catagory in saturdays sodimising of small children, women and now old eskimos too! i am very excited about this year. we have the usual torturing and killing of the eskimo men on sunday, ofcourse we will have the usual barbacue during.... but also new this year is when we kill the sodimised left over women, children AND NOW ELDERLY ESKIMOS!!!!!! we will have a contest for who can come up with the most origional and creative continuation of genocide for monday nights ceramonies with the left over eskimos. the supporter who comes up with the best idea on how to kill these little seal skin wearing fuckers gets not only 200 dollars but a eskimo slave of their choosing as well!
please leave your suggestions / Rsvp's in the comment section of my journal.
i know with your help this can be the best year yet!
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01:55 am
[Link] | mary came over with her friend tiffany (SP?) it was cool, then i went and got ass wasted. its good. i dont know if my counseler will want me commited or not but in the event, its good to make sure you are ok with people i guess. i dont care if they send me to the hospital or not, maybe its for the best. i just hope it ends soon, something ends, wether it be my lonliness or silence or life, something just needs to end. i am totally trashed so if this journal entry strokes anyone the wrong way sorry. i just hope its all over soon. sorry to all the people i have negativly effected and i assure you it will be taken care of soon one way or another.
p.s. i am taking suggestions of people to kill before i am locked away in the nutty farm if you want anyone dead list them and i will respond
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06:06 pm
[Link] | sorry to everyone i havent been around to talk to, i got sick and then it got up to 104.0 degrees and climbing and i started hallucinating from the fever so after they carried me down the stairs we went to the hospital and every time they tried to give me pills to swallow to make it go down i threw up so then they gave me a huge shot in my ass. so that was fun. yea so now i'm holding steady at 102.0 so yea sorry i havent been around if anyone noticed, lol
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08:25 pm
[Link] |
note:
to let everyone know cuz several people have called asking i had a kind of a small heart attack monday and they strapped a heart monitor to me. its nothing serious yet, its just that if the spikes in the heart irregularity get to close them i will have a heart attack or they will atleast have to do open heart surgery if they get too close. they said its because of stress so no peanut gallery comments about smoking. thanks and that is all.
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09:44 am
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last entry
"there is no truth there is only you and what you make the truth"
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